We arrived at the Swallow Inn at 12.55pm and found the restaurant area quiet with just four tables occupied. The pub has the faded air of an ’80s working men’s club without the swirling cigarette smoke, but it seemed pleasant enough.
We were shown to our table by the young female waiting staff in a long shallow alcove with a sunflower yellow upholstered bench seat which had, frankly, seen better days. It was quite heavily stained in places and could do with a thorough shampoo. The tabletops were made from some battleship grey wood effect material and felt sticky.
Mrs Wanderer ordered a soft drink as we were going on to an appointment after lunch and I opted for a flat white coffee. This is where the experience declined. My wife’s drink arrived promptly but it was some ten minutes before my coffee materialised. I quickly said to the waitress that the coffee wasn’t hot, just lukewarm, and she obligingly went off to make another. This again took ten minutes to make and, although hot this time, was extremely milky. I didn’t feel inclined to complain a second time and left half the cup undrunk.
Another couple arrived and sat at the table adjacent to us in the alcove.
At the time the coffee was served up I said that, after perusing the menu, we were ready to order. I was told that there was another table ahead of us and they hadn’t made their minds up yet and we had to wait. So, we waited for a further ten minutes before our order was taken. It seemed strange that we weren’t allowed to order despite being ready but if that’s the way they operate then so be it.
The other couple ordered their meals after us.
We both plumped for what we thought was a simple meal – grilled halloumi salad. This turned out to be a mistake because it became obvious, very quickly that there were problems with the service coming from the kitchen.
After a wait of half-an-hour I asked the waitress how much longer it would be for our salads and, after checking with the kitchen, she returned and said that one more table was going to come out first then ours was to be plated. The other couple were making noises also about the speed of service and wondered if they were bussing the food in from what I gather was a sister pub somewhere nearby.
Meals came out for two further tables with still no sign of ours. At this point, some 50 minutes after arriving we decided we could wait no longer due to our later appointment so I approached the bar and said we would pay for the drinks but would cancel the meal. We were told again that our salads were next out and then, low and behold, the other couple’s meal was brought out. When I complained that they weren’t even serving up food in the order taken I was told meals were served up as and when they were ready. The other lady was mortified that their meals had come out before ours and I complained that it doesn’t take 45 minutes to grill some halloumi and plate up with a salad.
We understood that the other lady had asked why service was so slow and was told that they were a chef down. In that case draft someone else in as I’d hate to see how they would cope if the place was busy.
We paid and left (a first for us), never to return.
The Willoughton Wanderer 
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